Introduction: Marilyn Moody is a breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed in 1994, had a modified radical mastectomy, six months of CMF chemotherapy and four reconstruction surgeries. Marilyn is happy to report that there are no signs of a recurrence. She took her experience, documented in letters to her best friend and others, along with journal entries, and created a popular breast cancer book, "Courage & Cancer". One of Marilyn's life long dreams was to be a published author. It took her breast cancer experience for her to question what she was waiting for. Marilyn is now actively involved in promoting breast cancer awareness and advocating for a cure.

I'm almost three years away from the day I heard those words as being part of my life. It was on May 27, 1994. In some ways it's sort of like childbirth in that the further away from the diagnosis --- the less it hurts. But, when I first heard my diagnosis I became someone I didn't know. Mentally I can still take myself back to the examining room. I was there alone, not really believing that the biopsy results would show a malignancy. Breast Cancer. I listened even though I was in shock, and I couldn't stop crying. I cried on the way home to my apartment. It was a Friday morning. Originally I thought I would be going in to work from the clinic. There was no way I could have functioned in my professional setting. It was also the long Memorial Day weekend. I just kept on crying. Breast Cancer. First I called my boss and sobbed as I told her what I knew, or at least what I could remember. She was so understanding, and I felt fortunate to have her there. Then I called my best friend, who wasn't home. That was a blessing too. We love each other so much it would have been hard to get anything out except tears. Instead I relayed the information to her fiance. Next came family members. They were also in shock. You see - they were as naive as I was when it came to this disease. I was the younger sister who danced and dated. I was the mom who looked like my kids' older sister. This couldn't be. We thought breast cancer happened to other women, but not to me. One box of tissue in twenty four hours was barely enough. The phone was my constant companion. I called friends near and far. In hindsight I now see how therapeutic my constant talking about "breast cancer" was. The more I talked, the more I learned, and eventually the more calm I became. Soon I could go hours without crying, until again out of what appeared to be nowhere --- came those tears. I gave in to them and let them flow. That was therapeutic too. Then I decided to take back some control. I began reading books about breast cancer and calling organizations for information. Anyone I knew who knew someone who had this disease was contacted either by phone, mail or in person. I asked many questions. I listened and I became more informed. This was initially being done to help me decide which surgery, either a lumpectomy or a mastectomy, to have. Additionally though, I was learning new terms such as estrogen receptor test and Tamoxifen, lymph node involvement and breast prosthesis. I heard stories which encouraged me, and others which kept me awake at night. The women I spoke to became sisters. I loved them whether we just spoke on the phone, sent e-mail, or met in person and hugged each other. Thoughts came rapidly. Crazy thoughts about bathing suits, dancing and men would pop into my head unexpectedly. Although my mental state was somewhat overloaded, instinctively I knew that having a positive attitude was necessary. This soon became the norm for my emotional state. Still there were moments, or even a few nights, when I would become depressed. I would allow myself to wallow in those feelings. I did not allow myself to stay there though. Soon the tears I was experiencing were brought about more from the kindnesses of others. The love which family, friends and co-workers - even strangers - gave would touch me deeply, and I would cry the good kind of tears - tears of appreciation. Breast Cancer. This is an experience which is difficult to explain to someone who has not been there. No matter how much people want to understand and how much they feel for us, only other cancer survivors really know what it's like. Once a social worker with a practice for breast cancer women asked me to speak at one of her groups. She wanted me to talk about how I took lemons and made lemonade from my experience. I was honored that she asked me. Then she said something about how the women in her group seemed to get bogged down on unimportant things like losing their hair. I was struck dumb because even though she accurately perceived me as being positive and upbeat - hair loss is a big issue. I would never have thought that before my own experience. Sure, it's going to grow back - but hair is visible. Hair is taken for granted. Women have love-hate relationships with their hair. Losing hair to chemotherapy is not something we take lightly. I guess I was at first surprised that she wouldn't know this. Later I thought that once again it was proof that no matter how much someone knows about breast cancer, and as compassionate as that person is --- the real experience of going through it is missing. So many women have expressed to me that even though hearing the diagnosis is scary, we soon get our acts together. We have to. There are many doctors appointments, surgeries and treatments to take care. We are busy doing what we have to do. Then one day reality sets in. We could die from this disease. BC (before cancer) we knew that someday we were going to die. Everyone knows this. But, with a cancer diagnosis we are forced to face our own mortality. In a way I look at it as a gift. Now I truly know that the quantity of my life is an unknown. And I also know that the quality of my life is an element I can do something about. Now I live each day more fully and with a deeper appreciation for all that life has to offer. I won't deny that it's a roller coaster ride which plays havoc with our emotional state, but it can also be a wake up call to smell the roses and enjoy.